This wasn't supposed to be a diary, but it is my blog, and I can write in it what I want.
Since I turned 28, I've been thinking (a lot) about my life, what it became and how it's got nothing to do with what I had thought it would be.
Yes, professionally I am, finally, getting where I wanna go, I just "landed" a job that I love, (it did take some hard work, and like any job, it has it's ups and downs), where I have a real shot at a career, a job that allows me to be creative and I can still dedicate my spare time to my painting and dancing.
But on a personal level...
I'm living with my ex! I'm thinking about a family and children, and I live with a man that doesn't love me. That's got to be a new low.
Do I love him? On some level, yes, I always will, like I will always have fellings for all the people that came in to my live and left their special mark. But this is not what I thought my life would be at this age.
When I was 10 (10?) I fell in love, for real, the first time I ever loved someone. I know that because it was that feeling that twists your stomach and makes you daydream all the time. You don't eat, you don't sleep. That feeling came and went, with "growing up", but the feelings it caused, stayed.
Those feelings that told me that that was the way I was supposed to feel for the man who would spend the rest of his (and mine) life with me. The man who should be the father of my children. My "Prince Charming".
I thinK of all the "what ifs...". The missed opportunities. Lost chances. That made good friends. :)
I thought I would be a mother before I turned 26. It didn't happen.
Nor did I find THAT man.
I live with my ex. We will not get back together. He will not be the father of my children.
Will I ever feel that same way again, for more then just those first few months of exhilaration in a new relationship? I don't know. I'm not even sure I will be able to go through all THIS again with someone new.
Sometimes I just feel like giving up all together.
But I know I will pick myself up again, like I always do, and move on.
I just don't know if I can handle what the future might bring my way.
1 comment:
You have a very nice blog.
Do not worry about the future. My experience is that it is ususally much better than the dark places we trap ourselves into. You do however need to take a step away from your past. If the present is not good and you know that things will not be getting if you stay where you are .. then you already know what to do.
I hope that you don't take offense at this unsolicited comment, but it reminded of me of places I have been myself.
Take care
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